Out of the Cave & Looking Back

Hello my loves. I hope you had the perfect-for-you New Year's celebrations/reflections. After a false start a few weeks ago I am inching back out of the cave I've been hiding/gestating in to begin again as I mean to go on - by showing up and sharing all the parts of the journey - the good, the bad, and the in-between. But first, a bit of a look back as a way to move forward.

I've been reflecting a lot on the past year and it was quite a doozy start to finish. Some truly magical and wonderful things happened this year - pilgrimages to far off places, amazing BIO & Reiki clients, pianos, and a 10 month Shamanic apprenticeship. However, in order to live into those light and bright places I needed to dive into their “opposite” - a metric shit-ton of my own darkness and shadow. 2018 was a deep dive into my fear, grief, anger, sorrow, and self-sabotage. It was some major muck clearing.

It was awesome - in the extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear meaning of the word.

Every time I unearthed a new layer of muck something amazing and horrible happened - CHANGE.

Just as I can't fix a problem if I don't know it's there, once I know a problem exists I can't unsee it. In fact, I start seeing it everywhere. This was a year of unearthing all the habits and patterns that were/are NOT serving me, and alternating between:

1) Jumping in right away to face and fix/deal with it (PILGRIMAGES/BIO/COACHING/SHAMANIC APPRENTICESHIP) These were sometimes scary but also exhilarating and resulted in fairly immediate rewards and warp-speed change/evolution.


2) Trying to ignore and numb out the problem in the hopes it would resolve itself (BINGEING ON NETFLIX, READING TRASHY NOVELS, SLEEPING TOO MUCH OR NOT ENOUGH, NOT MOVING, ETC.). This was not effective and generally resulted in the problems getting so big I'd totally melt down before dealing with them. This option happened more than I like to admit and was very uncomfortable as it involved a lot of DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, LACK, and CRYING ON THE FLOOR.

Whichever route I chose, change happened, but option #1 was exhilarating and option #2 was very painful. I am intensely grateful for both sets of experiences. Both ways taught me things I needed to know and could perhaps not have learned any other way. The presence and power of repeating cycles has been becoming clearer as I continue the process of learning and relearning things on deeper and more nuanced levels.

I will never be finished or done with this and that’s good news.

Three big lessons that were working their way deeper into my body/brain this past year were:


The more I enter willingly into the darkness of my own emotions/memories/habits/soul, the more I find my light and the light of others. The more I trust and shine my light, the more I see and trust the light in others AND the more I learn of the darkness it so often springs from (or shines in response to). They are part of the same whole seeking to know itself in all directions - seeking to outline all possibilities.

Following on that...


All the things I used to think of as opposites that couldn't possibly coexist - or that I thought could only exist far away from each other - were shown to be nestled up inside each other, parallel and possible at the same time. No longer either/or propositions but yes/and realities. As the Whitman saying goes "I contain multitudes.” I finally feel like this is a good thing. The more I expand and allow for all my possibilities coexisting intentionally, the more I do so for others. I am learning to hold more space for supposedly incompatible opposites to live side by side. My day to day is more and more of what my coach calls a #paradoxalert


No matter how separate I feel, no matter how isolated, I am never really separate or isolated except by choice/perception. I fear I make no difference, no impression, that my life is meaningless and disconnected. But every time I reach out, even the tiniest bit, I am met by meaning and connection. I see the ways others impact me and I in turn impact them. My presence and my absence is felt - and so is yours. Every single one of you are needed and necessary and are constantly making and remaking the world - whether you realize you are doing so consciously or not.

You matter.

What you do matters.

What you do to and for yourself you are doing to and for others.

What you do to and for others you are also doing to and for yourself.

You are "doing" simply by "being."

There is no separation.

As above so below.

We are all one.

One Love.

What are you making of and with your light and your shadow as we start another dance around the sun?

How is paradox showing up in your life?

How do you perceive separation/oneness?

How are you perceiving/giving/receiving love?

I can't wait to see and hear it all. <3

Love always,