THE DANCE - Part 1

“A day without dance in it is a lost day.” - Nietzsche

I’ve had a lot of lost days lately. I spent almost a year creating a deliberate, cathartic dance practice for myself. But, in the midst of a new wave of grief and anger, I let it go - in some instances deliberately refused it - for almost three months. And I was indeed lost during that time. 
Perhaps I needed to be.

I am finding my way again. 
Moving again. 
Dancing again. 
A little everyday.

I put my entire song library on shuffle and 
move to the first three songs the universe-as-algorithm 
gifts me with.

They are always exactly what I need.

As I move, my body speaks. 
Wisdom drops in 
Understanding drops in
Or wells up 
Maybe both. 
Paradox.
Mixing in the middle.

My center wants to move. 
Wants to be felt. 
Wants to be released from the bondage of inactivity 
I have subjected it to.

But what happens when I let it?

My shoulders tense up. 
My neck clenches. 
My knees and ankles lock. 
My extremities try to take all 
Strain and pain.

They are afraid of injury 
Afraid of release. 
Afraid to let my middle, 
my center, 
my core, 
lead the way.

My soft parts.

My infinitely creative, 
bloody, 
vulnerable, 
and strong-beyond- imagining 
center.

My center - 
where so much injury and so much pleasure reside.

My center - 
where creation and destruction live side by side.

A powerhouse of pain and 
rage and 
joy and 
delight.

What will happen if it leads the way? 
If my arms and legs and neck stop bracing against potential pain? 
If they stop trying to make up for perceived weakness? 
If they, 
like my mind, 
stop being a distraction?

What happens if I lead from center and 
the rest of me 
gets to be 
along for the ride?

What happens when I start to trust 
my hips, 
my womb, 
my spine?

Will I ever believe they can indeed support me? 
Lead me? 
Hold me? 
Protect me?
Be me?

I don’t know yet. 
But I am allowing myself to find out. 
Song by song
Dance by dance.

Relax.
Release.
Allow.

Allow 
Myself 
to Complete 
(verb - to make whole or perfect)
instead of 
Compete 
(verb - strive to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others who are trying to do the same).

There’s only one letter dividing these words.
An “L”
I think it stands for
“LOVE”

It stands in the middle
In the center

My center

And changes everything.